So... Now what?

I'm lost and confused.. I know that God has everything under control, but I can't help but continue to worry. My mom is sick. The worst part is that I won't be back hope for another three weeks. Even then it will only be two and a half months. I'm terrified. I have always worried about her but now... My heart is tearing through my chest just to stay by her side and make sure she is okay.. But she isn't okay. She's sick and she won't ask for help. Even though she is still in the early stages of diabetes, it could still kill her.

I'm leaving in the Fall and yes people will take care of her, but won't ask for help. The house is in worse shape every time I come home.. I'm embarrassed to ask for help, but now with the position she is in, I have to do something. I can no longer wait for her to do something about it, because she won't. I have to find away to help her. I have a future waiting for, but I might have to wait on it. I can't leave her in this fragile state..

Growing Up....

If it's okay with you I'd like to admit that I'm miserable at the fact that I'm maturing. Not because I can't do fun things anymore, but because I'm losing people who used to be close to me. I guess it's a good thing that I am growing out of relationships that will only bring me down, but I guess it's just hard to except. I love my friends. I love having fun with them and joking and goofing off. They are so far away and will be even farther When I leave for CA. I know this is probably pretty confusing, but I'm going through a lot of changes and I don't really know how to deal with it. I guess I just need to deal. I am beginning to think that this blog is just a place for me to complain because no one reads it and I don't really want the ones I know. This kinds just gets everything of my mind and heart. Maybe it's a note to God. I know he knows what I'm thinking. Sigh... I'm sorry God. I need you. I know I need you. Please help me except the changes that are happening to me. Please comfort me when I feel lonely. I love you God. I'm sorry that I have not been satisfied with what you have given me.  I am a selfish girl and I don't deserve the life you have given to me. I love you.

Sometimes I feel this way...

        When I think exactly how I got to this time in life, I wonder why and how. I obviously know that it was God was took from where I was to here. But again Why? Does anyone every become completely flabbergasted at God for what He has done? This year has been the absolute worst. I try to be what God wants me to be but I just ended up striving to be what everyone else wants me to be. Which I can't always do. It stresses me out to the point of pushing everyone away, even the new best friend I somehow acquired William. The sad thing is that he doesn't even know. I not trying to push him away or anyone else for that matter, but I can't help it. I can't let people in to what I truly feel. I know if I do, I will scare everyone off.

       My brain has no room to let just anyone in. The only person I truly let in to exactly everything was J.M. He was the only one that fought hard enough. My new friend fights his way in every once in a while, no where near where J.M. was. I'm scared to trust William. If you ask me why, you say I am selfish, but sometimes it has to be this way. Without J.M. I'm alone. Not completely alone, but close. I can't talk the way I want to with everyone, because I have chosen not to trust anyone. I don't even trust God. I want to, but I scared. That I'll mess up, fall down or have to tell the truth. I can't do that. I can't. I rather die before that. I would let everyone down. Especially those at home who count on me to be the greatest. They are why I don't quit. They are why if I come home I will regret it.

      But I would've already done that if it weren't for William. I love him to death, but not in a romantic way. Just in a way that I know he is there. Even thought I won't go to him about most things, I still know he will be there if I do. He is exactly what I have always wanted in a brother. He really is the little brother I have never had. I makes me angry, happy, sad, crazy and I know I could never stay mad at him. I hope that I will know him the rest of his life. So I guess there is a reason I am in this hard time in my life. After begging God for someone I can rely on, I haven't even realized that that someone has been in front of my face for three months. So thank you God. Sometimes I feel like I don't hear you but there you are. Whispering in my ears.. Maybe I should take out the earbuds for a will and listen.... I will...