So... Now what?

I'm lost and confused.. I know that God has everything under control, but I can't help but continue to worry. My mom is sick. The worst part is that I won't be back hope for another three weeks. Even then it will only be two and a half months. I'm terrified. I have always worried about her but now... My heart is tearing through my chest just to stay by her side and make sure she is okay.. But she isn't okay. She's sick and she won't ask for help. Even though she is still in the early stages of diabetes, it could still kill her.

I'm leaving in the Fall and yes people will take care of her, but won't ask for help. The house is in worse shape every time I come home.. I'm embarrassed to ask for help, but now with the position she is in, I have to do something. I can no longer wait for her to do something about it, because she won't. I have to find away to help her. I have a future waiting for, but I might have to wait on it. I can't leave her in this fragile state..

Growing Up....

If it's okay with you I'd like to admit that I'm miserable at the fact that I'm maturing. Not because I can't do fun things anymore, but because I'm losing people who used to be close to me. I guess it's a good thing that I am growing out of relationships that will only bring me down, but I guess it's just hard to except. I love my friends. I love having fun with them and joking and goofing off. They are so far away and will be even farther When I leave for CA. I know this is probably pretty confusing, but I'm going through a lot of changes and I don't really know how to deal with it. I guess I just need to deal. I am beginning to think that this blog is just a place for me to complain because no one reads it and I don't really want the ones I know. This kinds just gets everything of my mind and heart. Maybe it's a note to God. I know he knows what I'm thinking. Sigh... I'm sorry God. I need you. I know I need you. Please help me except the changes that are happening to me. Please comfort me when I feel lonely. I love you God. I'm sorry that I have not been satisfied with what you have given me.  I am a selfish girl and I don't deserve the life you have given to me. I love you.

Change of Character

It took something very sad for me to realize this.

Being away from home, it's hard sometimes. I don't have my mom, my friends, my dogs. Even though my school is very loving, I still feel alone a lot. We all go to the same church and at that church we have families that sort of take care of us in a way. We call them our adopted families. My family is the best. I got a sister, two brothers, and another brother on the way. I love them so so much. I mean I get so excited whenever I see them. they are all younger then me five years and more. Brennan the oldest is so sweet. Always looking to give me a hug and wrestle a little. Melody the middle is absolutely precious. She makes me smile every time I see her. And JT the youngest is nutts, but so cute. He always asks about me and then pretends to not have done so when I see him. Mama Tina has been a light in my life. Always looking to give a hug. She the kind of person that asks "how are you" and then says to tell the truth when you say fine. She saves me a seat every Sunday and always makes sure that I don't need anything. The kind of mom that everyone sectretly wants.

Let me take a minute to say that even though Tina is super mom, does not mean I would trade my mom in for her. I love my mom with ever fiber of my being. She gave birth to me, raised me, and supports me no matter how ridiculous my plan is. She is the light in my world that would be the death of me if it ever went out.

Anyway, and Papa Dave teaches me stuff that a dad should, like electricity and building stuff. The kind of stuff my favorite uncle teaches me when I visit him and my aunt.

I know this all sound like very happy stuff. I mean I got a whole new family when I went to college, who gets that? The thing is that they are leaving our church. Dave needs a new job and is going to preach at a different one. Its a great opportunity for them and I am very excited for them, but I have one problem. One of the biggest fears in my life is that everyone close to me is going to leave me. My mindset is that nothing lasts forever especially relationships. And now they're leaving. I won't see them very often, in fact barely at all. When Tina told, I kept it together as long as I could, responding with a fake smile, nods and ahuhs. When she left though, I broke. Every thought of abandonment that I knew would occur, flooded into my head faster then I could understand what just happened. It seems like such a small thing, and it is, but it isn't at the same time. Not to me at least. I was hurt and confused and proven right once again. Then William came over. He had been in the room when I received the news. He said words that he doesn't even know how they affected me. I won't leave you. Four pretty insignificant words until put together in that order. Four worlds that woke me up every hour last night. He doesn't even know how much I want to believe them. I really do and I know all I have to do is choose to believe but sometimes the choice is harder to make then some think. It just isn't as simply to some. But those four words penetrated me in a way the got me thinking. Maybe just maybe not everyone will leave. Maybe there are few people in my life right now that will still be in my life when I am 98. If I live that long. So maybe everything really will be okay....