Sometimes I feel this way...

        When I think exactly how I got to this time in life, I wonder why and how. I obviously know that it was God was took from where I was to here. But again Why? Does anyone every become completely flabbergasted at God for what He has done? This year has been the absolute worst. I try to be what God wants me to be but I just ended up striving to be what everyone else wants me to be. Which I can't always do. It stresses me out to the point of pushing everyone away, even the new best friend I somehow acquired William. The sad thing is that he doesn't even know. I not trying to push him away or anyone else for that matter, but I can't help it. I can't let people in to what I truly feel. I know if I do, I will scare everyone off.

       My brain has no room to let just anyone in. The only person I truly let in to exactly everything was J.M. He was the only one that fought hard enough. My new friend fights his way in every once in a while, no where near where J.M. was. I'm scared to trust William. If you ask me why, you say I am selfish, but sometimes it has to be this way. Without J.M. I'm alone. Not completely alone, but close. I can't talk the way I want to with everyone, because I have chosen not to trust anyone. I don't even trust God. I want to, but I scared. That I'll mess up, fall down or have to tell the truth. I can't do that. I can't. I rather die before that. I would let everyone down. Especially those at home who count on me to be the greatest. They are why I don't quit. They are why if I come home I will regret it.

      But I would've already done that if it weren't for William. I love him to death, but not in a romantic way. Just in a way that I know he is there. Even thought I won't go to him about most things, I still know he will be there if I do. He is exactly what I have always wanted in a brother. He really is the little brother I have never had. I makes me angry, happy, sad, crazy and I know I could never stay mad at him. I hope that I will know him the rest of his life. So I guess there is a reason I am in this hard time in my life. After begging God for someone I can rely on, I haven't even realized that that someone has been in front of my face for three months. So thank you God. Sometimes I feel like I don't hear you but there you are. Whispering in my ears.. Maybe I should take out the earbuds for a will and listen.... I will...