What is this.....

So I've been taking this class called Love Sex and Lasting Relationships. It is absolutely the most amazing class in my entire life. I can't help but be effected every time we sit in that tiny classroom with our notes and pens in front of us. The instructor is so informative and puts the material in a way that makes sense to me. I can relate to it and feel more equipped to make important relational decisions.

That is what leads me to this blog...

I loved meeting you, and I loved getting to know these past couple of weeks. I know the decisions we have made and I think they are the best decision that we could make right now. But there is a problem. I am a very emotional driven girl. I admitted that your relationship with God was honestly the first thing that I saw. I second thing I saw was the way you acted around other people. You were quiet and listened when people spoke. You kept your cool when you were annoyed and did not complain afterward. Our conversations while getting to know each other have been both fulfilling and informative. I can honestly say that I know who you are.

You have expressed how you feel about and I must confess I feel the same way. You coming to Mission next year and I am leaving for Cali. Hundreds of miles and rule will separate us. I am okay with that, but that is not the reason for this post.

Like I said, I am a very emotionally drive person. This is not because I am a women, but it is because I have little control of my emotions. Right now my emotions are becoming closer and closer tied to you and less to God. I know that this is not what you want and you will most likely be upset that I let myself get this way. You told me from the start that you did not want to be a distraction. I honestly didn't think you would be. And you weren't at first. At first, I didn't feel the need to text back as soon as you text me. I didn't wait on a phone call to talk to you. But now I cling to my phone like an addict. I beg to no one in particular that you call me.

This is too much. The class as taught me that I need to take this slow. We like each other, great, but we can't let that blind us. Maybe you haven't, but I have and I can not let myself continue. I am setting us up for failure. We already know we like each other, so it should be that hard to agree to wait for a year. If the feelings are still there then maybe we can start something. However, as of now, I need to just stop. No more sweet nothings. An occasional "Hey. How are you," is okay. I don't mind to talk to you but, I want this to work. And its not going to at this rate. I hope all this makes sense not that you are reading it, but it will help me tell you tonight. Don't think of it as a goodbye, but as a hope for the future. Neither of us know what will come of this. Just think of it as an adventure and lean on God. He will show you the way.

Growing Up....

If it's okay with you I'd like to admit that I'm miserable at the fact that I'm maturing. Not because I can't do fun things anymore, but because I'm losing people who used to be close to me. I guess it's a good thing that I am growing out of relationships that will only bring me down, but I guess it's just hard to except. I love my friends. I love having fun with them and joking and goofing off. They are so far away and will be even farther When I leave for CA. I know this is probably pretty confusing, but I'm going through a lot of changes and I don't really know how to deal with it. I guess I just need to deal. I am beginning to think that this blog is just a place for me to complain because no one reads it and I don't really want the ones I know. This kinds just gets everything of my mind and heart. Maybe it's a note to God. I know he knows what I'm thinking. Sigh... I'm sorry God. I need you. I know I need you. Please help me except the changes that are happening to me. Please comfort me when I feel lonely. I love you God. I'm sorry that I have not been satisfied with what you have given me.  I am a selfish girl and I don't deserve the life you have given to me. I love you.

Change of Character

It took something very sad for me to realize this.

Being away from home, it's hard sometimes. I don't have my mom, my friends, my dogs. Even though my school is very loving, I still feel alone a lot. We all go to the same church and at that church we have families that sort of take care of us in a way. We call them our adopted families. My family is the best. I got a sister, two brothers, and another brother on the way. I love them so so much. I mean I get so excited whenever I see them. they are all younger then me five years and more. Brennan the oldest is so sweet. Always looking to give me a hug and wrestle a little. Melody the middle is absolutely precious. She makes me smile every time I see her. And JT the youngest is nutts, but so cute. He always asks about me and then pretends to not have done so when I see him. Mama Tina has been a light in my life. Always looking to give a hug. She the kind of person that asks "how are you" and then says to tell the truth when you say fine. She saves me a seat every Sunday and always makes sure that I don't need anything. The kind of mom that everyone sectretly wants.

Let me take a minute to say that even though Tina is super mom, does not mean I would trade my mom in for her. I love my mom with ever fiber of my being. She gave birth to me, raised me, and supports me no matter how ridiculous my plan is. She is the light in my world that would be the death of me if it ever went out.

Anyway, and Papa Dave teaches me stuff that a dad should, like electricity and building stuff. The kind of stuff my favorite uncle teaches me when I visit him and my aunt.

I know this all sound like very happy stuff. I mean I got a whole new family when I went to college, who gets that? The thing is that they are leaving our church. Dave needs a new job and is going to preach at a different one. Its a great opportunity for them and I am very excited for them, but I have one problem. One of the biggest fears in my life is that everyone close to me is going to leave me. My mindset is that nothing lasts forever especially relationships. And now they're leaving. I won't see them very often, in fact barely at all. When Tina told, I kept it together as long as I could, responding with a fake smile, nods and ahuhs. When she left though, I broke. Every thought of abandonment that I knew would occur, flooded into my head faster then I could understand what just happened. It seems like such a small thing, and it is, but it isn't at the same time. Not to me at least. I was hurt and confused and proven right once again. Then William came over. He had been in the room when I received the news. He said words that he doesn't even know how they affected me. I won't leave you. Four pretty insignificant words until put together in that order. Four worlds that woke me up every hour last night. He doesn't even know how much I want to believe them. I really do and I know all I have to do is choose to believe but sometimes the choice is harder to make then some think. It just isn't as simply to some. But those four words penetrated me in a way the got me thinking. Maybe just maybe not everyone will leave. Maybe there are few people in my life right now that will still be in my life when I am 98. If I live that long. So maybe everything really will be okay....

Sometimes I feel this way...

        When I think exactly how I got to this time in life, I wonder why and how. I obviously know that it was God was took from where I was to here. But again Why? Does anyone every become completely flabbergasted at God for what He has done? This year has been the absolute worst. I try to be what God wants me to be but I just ended up striving to be what everyone else wants me to be. Which I can't always do. It stresses me out to the point of pushing everyone away, even the new best friend I somehow acquired William. The sad thing is that he doesn't even know. I not trying to push him away or anyone else for that matter, but I can't help it. I can't let people in to what I truly feel. I know if I do, I will scare everyone off.

       My brain has no room to let just anyone in. The only person I truly let in to exactly everything was J.M. He was the only one that fought hard enough. My new friend fights his way in every once in a while, no where near where J.M. was. I'm scared to trust William. If you ask me why, you say I am selfish, but sometimes it has to be this way. Without J.M. I'm alone. Not completely alone, but close. I can't talk the way I want to with everyone, because I have chosen not to trust anyone. I don't even trust God. I want to, but I scared. That I'll mess up, fall down or have to tell the truth. I can't do that. I can't. I rather die before that. I would let everyone down. Especially those at home who count on me to be the greatest. They are why I don't quit. They are why if I come home I will regret it.

      But I would've already done that if it weren't for William. I love him to death, but not in a romantic way. Just in a way that I know he is there. Even thought I won't go to him about most things, I still know he will be there if I do. He is exactly what I have always wanted in a brother. He really is the little brother I have never had. I makes me angry, happy, sad, crazy and I know I could never stay mad at him. I hope that I will know him the rest of his life. So I guess there is a reason I am in this hard time in my life. After begging God for someone I can rely on, I haven't even realized that that someone has been in front of my face for three months. So thank you God. Sometimes I feel like I don't hear you but there you are. Whispering in my ears.. Maybe I should take out the earbuds for a will and listen.... I will...