So... Now what?

I'm lost and confused.. I know that God has everything under control, but I can't help but continue to worry. My mom is sick. The worst part is that I won't be back hope for another three weeks. Even then it will only be two and a half months. I'm terrified. I have always worried about her but now... My heart is tearing through my chest just to stay by her side and make sure she is okay.. But she isn't okay. She's sick and she won't ask for help. Even though she is still in the early stages of diabetes, it could still kill her.

I'm leaving in the Fall and yes people will take care of her, but won't ask for help. The house is in worse shape every time I come home.. I'm embarrassed to ask for help, but now with the position she is in, I have to do something. I can no longer wait for her to do something about it, because she won't. I have to find away to help her. I have a future waiting for, but I might have to wait on it. I can't leave her in this fragile state..

Not whole or completely whole...

Broke or maybe; burst, busted, collapsed, cracked, crippled, crumbled, crushed, damaged, defective, demolished, disintegrated, dismembered, fractured, fragmentary, fragmented, hurt, in pieces, injured, mangled, mutilated, pulverized, rent, riven, ruptured, separated, severed, shattered, shivered, shredded, slivered, smashed, or split.

Is this how it feels when it's over? Alone, cast aside, cast away, deserted, discarded, dissipated, dropped, dumped, eliminated, empty, forgotten, forsaken, given up, left, left in the cold, left in the lurch, neglected, on the rocks, outcast, passed up, rejected, relinquished, shunned, side-tracked, sidelined, unoccupied, vacant, vacated. It's unbelievably true. Now you're gone... My heart bled out last night. I flipped my tear-soaked pillow three times. I woke red-eyed and exhausted. Trudging through the day as if it didn't exist. How could I have been so blind to the truth that stood right in front of me for the past year. I should have seen this coming. This shouldn't be so hard. But it wasn't some high school crush. I had stronger feelings for you than anyone else. You were different. How could I have deceived myself into thinking that we would have worked. I know all the Christianese things that people will say to me if I talk about it, but sometimes I don't want to hear them. Sometimes I just want someone to say the way I'm feeling is alright without adding anything else. I want someone to really mean it when they say, "awe" or "I'm sorry". I don't even want to hear those. I feel like if I tell anyone, they'll just say, "Well maybe he wasn't the one. There will be someone else." I don't want someone else. And now I'm leaving. The hardest thing about coming back will be seeing you. I know the feelings will flood back into my temporarily, taped up heart. I know God can fix me. But I honestly want you to... I love God and I trust Him now, but can't He see how much I love you. You and I both know He can, but it feels like He can't.

It's like that stupid difference between knowing and understanding. I know God sees my love for you, but I don't understand why he doesn't help me the way I want. I know this really happened, but I don't understand why. I know a heart has to feel like this every once and a while, but I don't understand why or how. I miss you so much and I know you miss me, but I don't know how much. I should have seen that you only wanted me to come back for one reason, but I just hoped there was more to it. I'm sorry I was wrong. I'm sorry that I allowed myself to become so attached. I did this to myself. I deserve this. I just can't help but hope that it didn't happen. Won't someone wake me up from this awful nightmare?

I can't love you anymore. Not the same way at least. But I want to. I never want to let go. I know I am a stupid girl with stupid feelings and I'm being stupidly naive. I don't want to be like this. I want to lean against God and hear Him say it's okay, but to be honest I'm scared of what He'll say. I'm afraid He'll mock my emotions and turn His face in shame of my vulnerability. Please don't make me say goodbye for real.. I can't do it..