So... Now what?

I'm lost and confused.. I know that God has everything under control, but I can't help but continue to worry. My mom is sick. The worst part is that I won't be back hope for another three weeks. Even then it will only be two and a half months. I'm terrified. I have always worried about her but now... My heart is tearing through my chest just to stay by her side and make sure she is okay.. But she isn't okay. She's sick and she won't ask for help. Even though she is still in the early stages of diabetes, it could still kill her.

I'm leaving in the Fall and yes people will take care of her, but won't ask for help. The house is in worse shape every time I come home.. I'm embarrassed to ask for help, but now with the position she is in, I have to do something. I can no longer wait for her to do something about it, because she won't. I have to find away to help her. I have a future waiting for, but I might have to wait on it. I can't leave her in this fragile state..

Not whole or completely whole...

Broke or maybe; burst, busted, collapsed, cracked, crippled, crumbled, crushed, damaged, defective, demolished, disintegrated, dismembered, fractured, fragmentary, fragmented, hurt, in pieces, injured, mangled, mutilated, pulverized, rent, riven, ruptured, separated, severed, shattered, shivered, shredded, slivered, smashed, or split.

Is this how it feels when it's over? Alone, cast aside, cast away, deserted, discarded, dissipated, dropped, dumped, eliminated, empty, forgotten, forsaken, given up, left, left in the cold, left in the lurch, neglected, on the rocks, outcast, passed up, rejected, relinquished, shunned, side-tracked, sidelined, unoccupied, vacant, vacated. It's unbelievably true. Now you're gone... My heart bled out last night. I flipped my tear-soaked pillow three times. I woke red-eyed and exhausted. Trudging through the day as if it didn't exist. How could I have been so blind to the truth that stood right in front of me for the past year. I should have seen this coming. This shouldn't be so hard. But it wasn't some high school crush. I had stronger feelings for you than anyone else. You were different. How could I have deceived myself into thinking that we would have worked. I know all the Christianese things that people will say to me if I talk about it, but sometimes I don't want to hear them. Sometimes I just want someone to say the way I'm feeling is alright without adding anything else. I want someone to really mean it when they say, "awe" or "I'm sorry". I don't even want to hear those. I feel like if I tell anyone, they'll just say, "Well maybe he wasn't the one. There will be someone else." I don't want someone else. And now I'm leaving. The hardest thing about coming back will be seeing you. I know the feelings will flood back into my temporarily, taped up heart. I know God can fix me. But I honestly want you to... I love God and I trust Him now, but can't He see how much I love you. You and I both know He can, but it feels like He can't.

It's like that stupid difference between knowing and understanding. I know God sees my love for you, but I don't understand why he doesn't help me the way I want. I know this really happened, but I don't understand why. I know a heart has to feel like this every once and a while, but I don't understand why or how. I miss you so much and I know you miss me, but I don't know how much. I should have seen that you only wanted me to come back for one reason, but I just hoped there was more to it. I'm sorry I was wrong. I'm sorry that I allowed myself to become so attached. I did this to myself. I deserve this. I just can't help but hope that it didn't happen. Won't someone wake me up from this awful nightmare?

I can't love you anymore. Not the same way at least. But I want to. I never want to let go. I know I am a stupid girl with stupid feelings and I'm being stupidly naive. I don't want to be like this. I want to lean against God and hear Him say it's okay, but to be honest I'm scared of what He'll say. I'm afraid He'll mock my emotions and turn His face in shame of my vulnerability. Please don't make me say goodbye for real.. I can't do it..

Broken hearted to the point of inarticulateness.....

I was at a point where I could not bare not knowing what God wanted me to do. I was angry and frustrated and annoyed. Finally, I told God that I was done looking for the answer and that I would trust Him no matter the result. The result, however, was that I move to California... all the way across the country. Away from home, away from my church, away from my friend, and away from him. My best friend in the whole world. The one who literally knows everything about me. The one I am in love with. The one that doesn't even know.

You don't even know... And how could you? I've never let on, or hinted. It's not your fault.. You really don't know. Anything. Nothing. The one thing you don't know and probably never will. But, lately it's been hard. Talking to you I mean. You're upset that I'm moving.. and that's understandable.. It's only hard because you keep telling me why I should stay. You don't understand that this is what God has told me to do. It isn't easy to accept. Especially that I'll probably be away all summer. It was hard enough giving you the news, but now I have to listen to you tell me to stay home for a year.

Now I have to let you go.. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I haven't decided how to tell you or even if I should. Would it be easier if I just forgot.. Like breaking an addiction, cold turkey? UGH! I can't handle this. I feel like I'm lost in the woods. My steps are taking me to who I'm supposed to be, but who is that. I'm scared. Of me, of losing you. Of a lot right now. I don't know what Cali will do for me, but I know it's something big. I tired of being lost. You may seem like the way out, but I feel like right now, you're dragging me deeper into the dark. I need to see where I'm going... But right now all I see is you.

I'm moving.. there is no way around it. I might not come back. I don't know. I love you. I do. But I can't let my feeling for you constantly break my heart... I'm sorry. I don't know what I am sorry for butI will miss you. I'll try not to stalk your FB or ask people how you are, but no promises. I've got to let go.. If I don't now, I won't later. I'll try and hold the tears back and keep the pain inside. I don't know if I can. I just wish you knew.. which makes this all the more harder.. the fact that you don't know... I don't even want to give myself the hope that there will be a someday for us, I can't risk the pain of more disappointment.... I love you. GoodBye.