So... Now what?

I'm lost and confused.. I know that God has everything under control, but I can't help but continue to worry. My mom is sick. The worst part is that I won't be back hope for another three weeks. Even then it will only be two and a half months. I'm terrified. I have always worried about her but now... My heart is tearing through my chest just to stay by her side and make sure she is okay.. But she isn't okay. She's sick and she won't ask for help. Even though she is still in the early stages of diabetes, it could still kill her.

I'm leaving in the Fall and yes people will take care of her, but won't ask for help. The house is in worse shape every time I come home.. I'm embarrassed to ask for help, but now with the position she is in, I have to do something. I can no longer wait for her to do something about it, because she won't. I have to find away to help her. I have a future waiting for, but I might have to wait on it. I can't leave her in this fragile state..

Daddy???

Sometimes it doesn't hurt. Then, sometimes, when I see kids get that dad hug, you know, the one that envelopes you. The one that makes you warm, on the inside and the outside. The one that squishes your faces but doesn't hurt. The one that makes you say, "I can't breath," but you don't care. The one that is longer then the typical Man-hug. The one that tells you " I love you" without actually saying it.

I have never had that hug before. But that is what I see when dads hug their kids. I want that. More then a lot of things. Just one. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad when I see it. Then again I would probably get attached to it. I guess I am really jealous... William told me even if someone did take me under their wing, that I would really never be number one to them. He wasn't being rude, just honest. I try to accept that fact, but sometimes it is really hard to do so.

As much as I want a dad, I don't want mine. I do want to meet him though. I want him to know what he caused me to feel, and miss. I him to explain himself. And then I want him to watch me walk away. Just like he did. I would do that if I could but I really don't think I would do anything. I don't need a prince charming, I just want I daddy....