So... Now what?

I'm lost and confused.. I know that God has everything under control, but I can't help but continue to worry. My mom is sick. The worst part is that I won't be back hope for another three weeks. Even then it will only be two and a half months. I'm terrified. I have always worried about her but now... My heart is tearing through my chest just to stay by her side and make sure she is okay.. But she isn't okay. She's sick and she won't ask for help. Even though she is still in the early stages of diabetes, it could still kill her.

I'm leaving in the Fall and yes people will take care of her, but won't ask for help. The house is in worse shape every time I come home.. I'm embarrassed to ask for help, but now with the position she is in, I have to do something. I can no longer wait for her to do something about it, because she won't. I have to find away to help her. I have a future waiting for, but I might have to wait on it. I can't leave her in this fragile state..

What is this.....

So I've been taking this class called Love Sex and Lasting Relationships. It is absolutely the most amazing class in my entire life. I can't help but be effected every time we sit in that tiny classroom with our notes and pens in front of us. The instructor is so informative and puts the material in a way that makes sense to me. I can relate to it and feel more equipped to make important relational decisions.

That is what leads me to this blog...

I loved meeting you, and I loved getting to know these past couple of weeks. I know the decisions we have made and I think they are the best decision that we could make right now. But there is a problem. I am a very emotional driven girl. I admitted that your relationship with God was honestly the first thing that I saw. I second thing I saw was the way you acted around other people. You were quiet and listened when people spoke. You kept your cool when you were annoyed and did not complain afterward. Our conversations while getting to know each other have been both fulfilling and informative. I can honestly say that I know who you are.

You have expressed how you feel about and I must confess I feel the same way. You coming to Mission next year and I am leaving for Cali. Hundreds of miles and rule will separate us. I am okay with that, but that is not the reason for this post.

Like I said, I am a very emotionally drive person. This is not because I am a women, but it is because I have little control of my emotions. Right now my emotions are becoming closer and closer tied to you and less to God. I know that this is not what you want and you will most likely be upset that I let myself get this way. You told me from the start that you did not want to be a distraction. I honestly didn't think you would be. And you weren't at first. At first, I didn't feel the need to text back as soon as you text me. I didn't wait on a phone call to talk to you. But now I cling to my phone like an addict. I beg to no one in particular that you call me.

This is too much. The class as taught me that I need to take this slow. We like each other, great, but we can't let that blind us. Maybe you haven't, but I have and I can not let myself continue. I am setting us up for failure. We already know we like each other, so it should be that hard to agree to wait for a year. If the feelings are still there then maybe we can start something. However, as of now, I need to just stop. No more sweet nothings. An occasional "Hey. How are you," is okay. I don't mind to talk to you but, I want this to work. And its not going to at this rate. I hope all this makes sense not that you are reading it, but it will help me tell you tonight. Don't think of it as a goodbye, but as a hope for the future. Neither of us know what will come of this. Just think of it as an adventure and lean on God. He will show you the way.

Not whole or completely whole...

Broke or maybe; burst, busted, collapsed, cracked, crippled, crumbled, crushed, damaged, defective, demolished, disintegrated, dismembered, fractured, fragmentary, fragmented, hurt, in pieces, injured, mangled, mutilated, pulverized, rent, riven, ruptured, separated, severed, shattered, shivered, shredded, slivered, smashed, or split.

Is this how it feels when it's over? Alone, cast aside, cast away, deserted, discarded, dissipated, dropped, dumped, eliminated, empty, forgotten, forsaken, given up, left, left in the cold, left in the lurch, neglected, on the rocks, outcast, passed up, rejected, relinquished, shunned, side-tracked, sidelined, unoccupied, vacant, vacated. It's unbelievably true. Now you're gone... My heart bled out last night. I flipped my tear-soaked pillow three times. I woke red-eyed and exhausted. Trudging through the day as if it didn't exist. How could I have been so blind to the truth that stood right in front of me for the past year. I should have seen this coming. This shouldn't be so hard. But it wasn't some high school crush. I had stronger feelings for you than anyone else. You were different. How could I have deceived myself into thinking that we would have worked. I know all the Christianese things that people will say to me if I talk about it, but sometimes I don't want to hear them. Sometimes I just want someone to say the way I'm feeling is alright without adding anything else. I want someone to really mean it when they say, "awe" or "I'm sorry". I don't even want to hear those. I feel like if I tell anyone, they'll just say, "Well maybe he wasn't the one. There will be someone else." I don't want someone else. And now I'm leaving. The hardest thing about coming back will be seeing you. I know the feelings will flood back into my temporarily, taped up heart. I know God can fix me. But I honestly want you to... I love God and I trust Him now, but can't He see how much I love you. You and I both know He can, but it feels like He can't.

It's like that stupid difference between knowing and understanding. I know God sees my love for you, but I don't understand why he doesn't help me the way I want. I know this really happened, but I don't understand why. I know a heart has to feel like this every once and a while, but I don't understand why or how. I miss you so much and I know you miss me, but I don't know how much. I should have seen that you only wanted me to come back for one reason, but I just hoped there was more to it. I'm sorry I was wrong. I'm sorry that I allowed myself to become so attached. I did this to myself. I deserve this. I just can't help but hope that it didn't happen. Won't someone wake me up from this awful nightmare?

I can't love you anymore. Not the same way at least. But I want to. I never want to let go. I know I am a stupid girl with stupid feelings and I'm being stupidly naive. I don't want to be like this. I want to lean against God and hear Him say it's okay, but to be honest I'm scared of what He'll say. I'm afraid He'll mock my emotions and turn His face in shame of my vulnerability. Please don't make me say goodbye for real.. I can't do it..

Broken hearted to the point of inarticulateness.....

I was at a point where I could not bare not knowing what God wanted me to do. I was angry and frustrated and annoyed. Finally, I told God that I was done looking for the answer and that I would trust Him no matter the result. The result, however, was that I move to California... all the way across the country. Away from home, away from my church, away from my friend, and away from him. My best friend in the whole world. The one who literally knows everything about me. The one I am in love with. The one that doesn't even know.

You don't even know... And how could you? I've never let on, or hinted. It's not your fault.. You really don't know. Anything. Nothing. The one thing you don't know and probably never will. But, lately it's been hard. Talking to you I mean. You're upset that I'm moving.. and that's understandable.. It's only hard because you keep telling me why I should stay. You don't understand that this is what God has told me to do. It isn't easy to accept. Especially that I'll probably be away all summer. It was hard enough giving you the news, but now I have to listen to you tell me to stay home for a year.

Now I have to let you go.. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I haven't decided how to tell you or even if I should. Would it be easier if I just forgot.. Like breaking an addiction, cold turkey? UGH! I can't handle this. I feel like I'm lost in the woods. My steps are taking me to who I'm supposed to be, but who is that. I'm scared. Of me, of losing you. Of a lot right now. I don't know what Cali will do for me, but I know it's something big. I tired of being lost. You may seem like the way out, but I feel like right now, you're dragging me deeper into the dark. I need to see where I'm going... But right now all I see is you.

I'm moving.. there is no way around it. I might not come back. I don't know. I love you. I do. But I can't let my feeling for you constantly break my heart... I'm sorry. I don't know what I am sorry for butI will miss you. I'll try not to stalk your FB or ask people how you are, but no promises. I've got to let go.. If I don't now, I won't later. I'll try and hold the tears back and keep the pain inside. I don't know if I can. I just wish you knew.. which makes this all the more harder.. the fact that you don't know... I don't even want to give myself the hope that there will be a someday for us, I can't risk the pain of more disappointment.... I love you. GoodBye.

My Wall

It started with Pap. October 8, 2008, Donald Warnick died, unknown cause. That's my Pap, Donald, no one was really sure what happened. He had been sick for a long time and that day he wasn't feeling good, he was on his way to the car to go to the hospital when he collapsed. I found out on my way home from school.

I grew up without a father with my mom and my two sisters, who were put in foster care when I was nine. My pap was my mom's father—the closest thing I had to a father. He and my grandma supported my mom happily with no complaints knowing that, as a single mom, she was doing the best she could. Throughout my life I watched other kids my age have the things I wanted and sometimes needed. I always had food and clothes but sometimes struggled in school without the graphing calculator for math or the summer reading books needed for the following school year. Things were tough but we always made it through with the help of grandma and pappy.

When I found out that he had died, I felt as if the floor fell from beneath my feet. It felt like I was falling for ten months. After the funeral I found it very hard to talk about what I was going through; I wasn't even sure about what I was going though so how could I talk about it? I wanted to find a way to keep my mind straight; off Pappy, off everything that was happening around me and on something easier. My wall started there, the part that goes in the ground to keep the enemy from digging under.

I started doing something I promised myself I would never do, making myself throw up. I had always been tough about self-injury and knew it was wrong, but at that point in my life, it was the only thing that seemed right. It was the thing I needed to get my mind clear. When I started I told myself that I would only do it if I thought of Pappy, but then it gradually got to the point I would do it whenever I thought of anything sad. It gave me a new feeling of pain that was easier than to deal with then the emotional stuff, the deeper stuff. That was the second part of my wall, the part that goes above ground to keep the enemy from looking in.

I had been doing it for four months when I met a boy. He was the new kid at school, a grade younger, and the nicest guy I'd ever met. We started dating and things felt better, a lot better. I gradually decreased my disappearances to the bathroom, I only threw up when I was really down about something. I didn't tell the boy that I was throwing up til the end of the school year and I was just too stressed about getting things ready for graduation, that I started doing it again, but he was very compassionate and helped me through it. He asked me all the time if I needed to talk about anything just in case. Things began to get better again, not great but good. When I realized the enemy was not really the enemy at all, but it was actually God trying to reach me, my wall began to fall, a little bit at a time.

In July, I went to youth camp which I had also attended the previous two years and loved; it was my escape from the real world. I went to camp wanting desperately to give everything to God, but was not sure if I could really give up my addiction, my security blanket. The second night the speaker spoke about things that were holding us down as Christians and keeping us from letting God take full control. It was then that I realize that what I though was a good thing was actually controlling me and keeping me from my walk with God. At that moment I decided to stop throwing up, to stop the thing the made me feel so secure—stop hurting myself. God wiped out the rest of my wall and instead of falling into depression, I fell into the arms of Christ.

That day was about a year and a half ago and it hasn't been easy. I can fit in my old jeans and eat a whole meal and seconds and desert without running to the bathroom. My red, puffy throat is now clear and healthy. I still struggle and I'm sure I will for a while but that is what will remind me that I have overcome something that not a lot of people can overcome. I really think that if it wouldn't have been for the speaker that night at youth camp I would still be throwing up every time I get stressed. I now know that when I do get stressed I can go to God or talk to a fellow believer about what I'm going through, I don't have to keep it inside. I thank everyone who knew I what I was going through and stood by me the whole time. All of them have lead me to where I am now, all have contributed to my coming out, admitting, and changing into the person I am now not the person I was then. Now God and I walk hand in hand and look at the invisible line which at one point was my wall.

Growing Up....

If it's okay with you I'd like to admit that I'm miserable at the fact that I'm maturing. Not because I can't do fun things anymore, but because I'm losing people who used to be close to me. I guess it's a good thing that I am growing out of relationships that will only bring me down, but I guess it's just hard to except. I love my friends. I love having fun with them and joking and goofing off. They are so far away and will be even farther When I leave for CA. I know this is probably pretty confusing, but I'm going through a lot of changes and I don't really know how to deal with it. I guess I just need to deal. I am beginning to think that this blog is just a place for me to complain because no one reads it and I don't really want the ones I know. This kinds just gets everything of my mind and heart. Maybe it's a note to God. I know he knows what I'm thinking. Sigh... I'm sorry God. I need you. I know I need you. Please help me except the changes that are happening to me. Please comfort me when I feel lonely. I love you God. I'm sorry that I have not been satisfied with what you have given me.  I am a selfish girl and I don't deserve the life you have given to me. I love you.

Change of Character

It took something very sad for me to realize this.

Being away from home, it's hard sometimes. I don't have my mom, my friends, my dogs. Even though my school is very loving, I still feel alone a lot. We all go to the same church and at that church we have families that sort of take care of us in a way. We call them our adopted families. My family is the best. I got a sister, two brothers, and another brother on the way. I love them so so much. I mean I get so excited whenever I see them. they are all younger then me five years and more. Brennan the oldest is so sweet. Always looking to give me a hug and wrestle a little. Melody the middle is absolutely precious. She makes me smile every time I see her. And JT the youngest is nutts, but so cute. He always asks about me and then pretends to not have done so when I see him. Mama Tina has been a light in my life. Always looking to give a hug. She the kind of person that asks "how are you" and then says to tell the truth when you say fine. She saves me a seat every Sunday and always makes sure that I don't need anything. The kind of mom that everyone sectretly wants.

Let me take a minute to say that even though Tina is super mom, does not mean I would trade my mom in for her. I love my mom with ever fiber of my being. She gave birth to me, raised me, and supports me no matter how ridiculous my plan is. She is the light in my world that would be the death of me if it ever went out.

Anyway, and Papa Dave teaches me stuff that a dad should, like electricity and building stuff. The kind of stuff my favorite uncle teaches me when I visit him and my aunt.

I know this all sound like very happy stuff. I mean I got a whole new family when I went to college, who gets that? The thing is that they are leaving our church. Dave needs a new job and is going to preach at a different one. Its a great opportunity for them and I am very excited for them, but I have one problem. One of the biggest fears in my life is that everyone close to me is going to leave me. My mindset is that nothing lasts forever especially relationships. And now they're leaving. I won't see them very often, in fact barely at all. When Tina told, I kept it together as long as I could, responding with a fake smile, nods and ahuhs. When she left though, I broke. Every thought of abandonment that I knew would occur, flooded into my head faster then I could understand what just happened. It seems like such a small thing, and it is, but it isn't at the same time. Not to me at least. I was hurt and confused and proven right once again. Then William came over. He had been in the room when I received the news. He said words that he doesn't even know how they affected me. I won't leave you. Four pretty insignificant words until put together in that order. Four worlds that woke me up every hour last night. He doesn't even know how much I want to believe them. I really do and I know all I have to do is choose to believe but sometimes the choice is harder to make then some think. It just isn't as simply to some. But those four words penetrated me in a way the got me thinking. Maybe just maybe not everyone will leave. Maybe there are few people in my life right now that will still be in my life when I am 98. If I live that long. So maybe everything really will be okay....