I was at a point where I could not bare not knowing what God wanted me to do. I was angry and frustrated and annoyed. Finally, I told God that I was done looking for the answer and that I would trust Him no matter the result. The result, however, was that I move to California... all the way across the country. Away from home, away from my church, away from my friend, and away from him. My best friend in the whole world. The one who literally knows everything about me. The one I am in love with. The one that doesn't even know.
You don't even know... And how could you? I've never let on, or hinted. It's not your fault.. You really don't know. Anything. Nothing. The one thing you don't know and probably never will. But, lately it's been hard. Talking to you I mean. You're upset that I'm moving.. and that's understandable.. It's only hard because you keep telling me why I should stay. You don't understand that this is what God has told me to do. It isn't easy to accept. Especially that I'll probably be away all summer. It was hard enough giving you the news, but now I have to listen to you tell me to stay home for a year.
Now I have to let you go.. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I haven't decided how to tell you or even if I should. Would it be easier if I just forgot.. Like breaking an addiction, cold turkey? UGH! I can't handle this. I feel like I'm lost in the woods. My steps are taking me to who I'm supposed to be, but who is that. I'm scared. Of me, of losing you. Of a lot right now. I don't know what Cali will do for me, but I know it's something big. I tired of being lost. You may seem like the way out, but I feel like right now, you're dragging me deeper into the dark. I need to see where I'm going... But right now all I see is you.
I'm moving.. there is no way around it. I might not come back. I don't know. I love you. I do. But I can't let my feeling for you constantly break my heart... I'm sorry. I don't know what I am sorry for butI will miss you. I'll try not to stalk your FB or ask people how you are, but no promises. I've got to let go.. If I don't now, I won't later. I'll try and hold the tears back and keep the pain inside. I don't know if I can. I just wish you knew.. which makes this all the more harder.. the fact that you don't know... I don't even want to give myself the hope that there will be a someday for us, I can't risk the pain of more disappointment.... I love you. GoodBye.
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