Change of Character

It took something very sad for me to realize this.

Being away from home, it's hard sometimes. I don't have my mom, my friends, my dogs. Even though my school is very loving, I still feel alone a lot. We all go to the same church and at that church we have families that sort of take care of us in a way. We call them our adopted families. My family is the best. I got a sister, two brothers, and another brother on the way. I love them so so much. I mean I get so excited whenever I see them. they are all younger then me five years and more. Brennan the oldest is so sweet. Always looking to give me a hug and wrestle a little. Melody the middle is absolutely precious. She makes me smile every time I see her. And JT the youngest is nutts, but so cute. He always asks about me and then pretends to not have done so when I see him. Mama Tina has been a light in my life. Always looking to give a hug. She the kind of person that asks "how are you" and then says to tell the truth when you say fine. She saves me a seat every Sunday and always makes sure that I don't need anything. The kind of mom that everyone sectretly wants.

Let me take a minute to say that even though Tina is super mom, does not mean I would trade my mom in for her. I love my mom with ever fiber of my being. She gave birth to me, raised me, and supports me no matter how ridiculous my plan is. She is the light in my world that would be the death of me if it ever went out.

Anyway, and Papa Dave teaches me stuff that a dad should, like electricity and building stuff. The kind of stuff my favorite uncle teaches me when I visit him and my aunt.

I know this all sound like very happy stuff. I mean I got a whole new family when I went to college, who gets that? The thing is that they are leaving our church. Dave needs a new job and is going to preach at a different one. Its a great opportunity for them and I am very excited for them, but I have one problem. One of the biggest fears in my life is that everyone close to me is going to leave me. My mindset is that nothing lasts forever especially relationships. And now they're leaving. I won't see them very often, in fact barely at all. When Tina told, I kept it together as long as I could, responding with a fake smile, nods and ahuhs. When she left though, I broke. Every thought of abandonment that I knew would occur, flooded into my head faster then I could understand what just happened. It seems like such a small thing, and it is, but it isn't at the same time. Not to me at least. I was hurt and confused and proven right once again. Then William came over. He had been in the room when I received the news. He said words that he doesn't even know how they affected me. I won't leave you. Four pretty insignificant words until put together in that order. Four worlds that woke me up every hour last night. He doesn't even know how much I want to believe them. I really do and I know all I have to do is choose to believe but sometimes the choice is harder to make then some think. It just isn't as simply to some. But those four words penetrated me in a way the got me thinking. Maybe just maybe not everyone will leave. Maybe there are few people in my life right now that will still be in my life when I am 98. If I live that long. So maybe everything really will be okay....

Daddy???

Sometimes it doesn't hurt. Then, sometimes, when I see kids get that dad hug, you know, the one that envelopes you. The one that makes you warm, on the inside and the outside. The one that squishes your faces but doesn't hurt. The one that makes you say, "I can't breath," but you don't care. The one that is longer then the typical Man-hug. The one that tells you " I love you" without actually saying it.

I have never had that hug before. But that is what I see when dads hug their kids. I want that. More then a lot of things. Just one. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad when I see it. Then again I would probably get attached to it. I guess I am really jealous... William told me even if someone did take me under their wing, that I would really never be number one to them. He wasn't being rude, just honest. I try to accept that fact, but sometimes it is really hard to do so.

As much as I want a dad, I don't want mine. I do want to meet him though. I want him to know what he caused me to feel, and miss. I him to explain himself. And then I want him to watch me walk away. Just like he did. I would do that if I could but I really don't think I would do anything. I don't need a prince charming, I just want I daddy....

Confession

   I really want to get married. I know I'm still young and really do have time, but I really want to. And I refuse to date. I am just going to be best friends with someone. That person on will know me inside and out. All my secrets, goals, ambitions, reasoning's, feelings, moods, everything. I will have to know him a minimum of three years but most likely longer. It will probably take that long to get to really know me and for me to learn to trust him. We will the absolute best friends not even thinking about each other romantically. We have to be able to work through differences. A big thing is that I have to think of him as a brother first. I have know he will protect me like a brother and love me like a brother. We will do everything together, and not be able to be apart for long (again without romantic thoughts).

    Then one day he will take me to the park. It'll be a cloud day, but warm. We will have a picnic just like usual. Just two best friends sitting around talking. Then we will go feed the ducks by the pond. Suddenly it'll be a huge down pour. But we love the rain so we run around soaked playing tag or whatever. Then he will stop and look at me and say, "You know? You are my very best friend and I love you so much." Me, "I love you too." Him, "So, the only way we could possibly be closer if we got married." Me, "I agree." Then he pulls out the ring, slides it on my finger and lightly hits me on my should saying, "Tag! Your it!" And takes off running. There will be no kissing, most likely a hug, but no kissing.

    Then, about 3 months later, we will be standing together is a back yard, surrounded by family and close friends, saying I do. He will be in pair of khakis, an untucked button-up, and a comfortable suit jacket. I will be in a modest, knee-length cotton, white dress. After we say I do, we will kiss for the first time ever and everyone will cheer. Then someone will pull out the tables and the home-cooked food they brought for the reception. We will share a first slow-dance to no music and end up playing tag until it is time to leave for the honey moon.

Sometimes I feel this way...

        When I think exactly how I got to this time in life, I wonder why and how. I obviously know that it was God was took from where I was to here. But again Why? Does anyone every become completely flabbergasted at God for what He has done? This year has been the absolute worst. I try to be what God wants me to be but I just ended up striving to be what everyone else wants me to be. Which I can't always do. It stresses me out to the point of pushing everyone away, even the new best friend I somehow acquired William. The sad thing is that he doesn't even know. I not trying to push him away or anyone else for that matter, but I can't help it. I can't let people in to what I truly feel. I know if I do, I will scare everyone off.

       My brain has no room to let just anyone in. The only person I truly let in to exactly everything was J.M. He was the only one that fought hard enough. My new friend fights his way in every once in a while, no where near where J.M. was. I'm scared to trust William. If you ask me why, you say I am selfish, but sometimes it has to be this way. Without J.M. I'm alone. Not completely alone, but close. I can't talk the way I want to with everyone, because I have chosen not to trust anyone. I don't even trust God. I want to, but I scared. That I'll mess up, fall down or have to tell the truth. I can't do that. I can't. I rather die before that. I would let everyone down. Especially those at home who count on me to be the greatest. They are why I don't quit. They are why if I come home I will regret it.

      But I would've already done that if it weren't for William. I love him to death, but not in a romantic way. Just in a way that I know he is there. Even thought I won't go to him about most things, I still know he will be there if I do. He is exactly what I have always wanted in a brother. He really is the little brother I have never had. I makes me angry, happy, sad, crazy and I know I could never stay mad at him. I hope that I will know him the rest of his life. So I guess there is a reason I am in this hard time in my life. After begging God for someone I can rely on, I haven't even realized that that someone has been in front of my face for three months. So thank you God. Sometimes I feel like I don't hear you but there you are. Whispering in my ears.. Maybe I should take out the earbuds for a will and listen.... I will...