Daddy???

Sometimes it doesn't hurt. Then, sometimes, when I see kids get that dad hug, you know, the one that envelopes you. The one that makes you warm, on the inside and the outside. The one that squishes your faces but doesn't hurt. The one that makes you say, "I can't breath," but you don't care. The one that is longer then the typical Man-hug. The one that tells you " I love you" without actually saying it.

I have never had that hug before. But that is what I see when dads hug their kids. I want that. More then a lot of things. Just one. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad when I see it. Then again I would probably get attached to it. I guess I am really jealous... William told me even if someone did take me under their wing, that I would really never be number one to them. He wasn't being rude, just honest. I try to accept that fact, but sometimes it is really hard to do so.

As much as I want a dad, I don't want mine. I do want to meet him though. I want him to know what he caused me to feel, and miss. I him to explain himself. And then I want him to watch me walk away. Just like he did. I would do that if I could but I really don't think I would do anything. I don't need a prince charming, I just want I daddy....

Confession

   I really want to get married. I know I'm still young and really do have time, but I really want to. And I refuse to date. I am just going to be best friends with someone. That person on will know me inside and out. All my secrets, goals, ambitions, reasoning's, feelings, moods, everything. I will have to know him a minimum of three years but most likely longer. It will probably take that long to get to really know me and for me to learn to trust him. We will the absolute best friends not even thinking about each other romantically. We have to be able to work through differences. A big thing is that I have to think of him as a brother first. I have know he will protect me like a brother and love me like a brother. We will do everything together, and not be able to be apart for long (again without romantic thoughts).

    Then one day he will take me to the park. It'll be a cloud day, but warm. We will have a picnic just like usual. Just two best friends sitting around talking. Then we will go feed the ducks by the pond. Suddenly it'll be a huge down pour. But we love the rain so we run around soaked playing tag or whatever. Then he will stop and look at me and say, "You know? You are my very best friend and I love you so much." Me, "I love you too." Him, "So, the only way we could possibly be closer if we got married." Me, "I agree." Then he pulls out the ring, slides it on my finger and lightly hits me on my should saying, "Tag! Your it!" And takes off running. There will be no kissing, most likely a hug, but no kissing.

    Then, about 3 months later, we will be standing together is a back yard, surrounded by family and close friends, saying I do. He will be in pair of khakis, an untucked button-up, and a comfortable suit jacket. I will be in a modest, knee-length cotton, white dress. After we say I do, we will kiss for the first time ever and everyone will cheer. Then someone will pull out the tables and the home-cooked food they brought for the reception. We will share a first slow-dance to no music and end up playing tag until it is time to leave for the honey moon.

Sometimes I feel this way...

        When I think exactly how I got to this time in life, I wonder why and how. I obviously know that it was God was took from where I was to here. But again Why? Does anyone every become completely flabbergasted at God for what He has done? This year has been the absolute worst. I try to be what God wants me to be but I just ended up striving to be what everyone else wants me to be. Which I can't always do. It stresses me out to the point of pushing everyone away, even the new best friend I somehow acquired William. The sad thing is that he doesn't even know. I not trying to push him away or anyone else for that matter, but I can't help it. I can't let people in to what I truly feel. I know if I do, I will scare everyone off.

       My brain has no room to let just anyone in. The only person I truly let in to exactly everything was J.M. He was the only one that fought hard enough. My new friend fights his way in every once in a while, no where near where J.M. was. I'm scared to trust William. If you ask me why, you say I am selfish, but sometimes it has to be this way. Without J.M. I'm alone. Not completely alone, but close. I can't talk the way I want to with everyone, because I have chosen not to trust anyone. I don't even trust God. I want to, but I scared. That I'll mess up, fall down or have to tell the truth. I can't do that. I can't. I rather die before that. I would let everyone down. Especially those at home who count on me to be the greatest. They are why I don't quit. They are why if I come home I will regret it.

      But I would've already done that if it weren't for William. I love him to death, but not in a romantic way. Just in a way that I know he is there. Even thought I won't go to him about most things, I still know he will be there if I do. He is exactly what I have always wanted in a brother. He really is the little brother I have never had. I makes me angry, happy, sad, crazy and I know I could never stay mad at him. I hope that I will know him the rest of his life. So I guess there is a reason I am in this hard time in my life. After begging God for someone I can rely on, I haven't even realized that that someone has been in front of my face for three months. So thank you God. Sometimes I feel like I don't hear you but there you are. Whispering in my ears.. Maybe I should take out the earbuds for a will and listen.... I will...