What is this.....

So I've been taking this class called Love Sex and Lasting Relationships. It is absolutely the most amazing class in my entire life. I can't help but be effected every time we sit in that tiny classroom with our notes and pens in front of us. The instructor is so informative and puts the material in a way that makes sense to me. I can relate to it and feel more equipped to make important relational decisions.

That is what leads me to this blog...

I loved meeting you, and I loved getting to know these past couple of weeks. I know the decisions we have made and I think they are the best decision that we could make right now. But there is a problem. I am a very emotional driven girl. I admitted that your relationship with God was honestly the first thing that I saw. I second thing I saw was the way you acted around other people. You were quiet and listened when people spoke. You kept your cool when you were annoyed and did not complain afterward. Our conversations while getting to know each other have been both fulfilling and informative. I can honestly say that I know who you are.

You have expressed how you feel about and I must confess I feel the same way. You coming to Mission next year and I am leaving for Cali. Hundreds of miles and rule will separate us. I am okay with that, but that is not the reason for this post.

Like I said, I am a very emotionally drive person. This is not because I am a women, but it is because I have little control of my emotions. Right now my emotions are becoming closer and closer tied to you and less to God. I know that this is not what you want and you will most likely be upset that I let myself get this way. You told me from the start that you did not want to be a distraction. I honestly didn't think you would be. And you weren't at first. At first, I didn't feel the need to text back as soon as you text me. I didn't wait on a phone call to talk to you. But now I cling to my phone like an addict. I beg to no one in particular that you call me.

This is too much. The class as taught me that I need to take this slow. We like each other, great, but we can't let that blind us. Maybe you haven't, but I have and I can not let myself continue. I am setting us up for failure. We already know we like each other, so it should be that hard to agree to wait for a year. If the feelings are still there then maybe we can start something. However, as of now, I need to just stop. No more sweet nothings. An occasional "Hey. How are you," is okay. I don't mind to talk to you but, I want this to work. And its not going to at this rate. I hope all this makes sense not that you are reading it, but it will help me tell you tonight. Don't think of it as a goodbye, but as a hope for the future. Neither of us know what will come of this. Just think of it as an adventure and lean on God. He will show you the way.

Not whole or completely whole...

Broke or maybe; burst, busted, collapsed, cracked, crippled, crumbled, crushed, damaged, defective, demolished, disintegrated, dismembered, fractured, fragmentary, fragmented, hurt, in pieces, injured, mangled, mutilated, pulverized, rent, riven, ruptured, separated, severed, shattered, shivered, shredded, slivered, smashed, or split.

Is this how it feels when it's over? Alone, cast aside, cast away, deserted, discarded, dissipated, dropped, dumped, eliminated, empty, forgotten, forsaken, given up, left, left in the cold, left in the lurch, neglected, on the rocks, outcast, passed up, rejected, relinquished, shunned, side-tracked, sidelined, unoccupied, vacant, vacated. It's unbelievably true. Now you're gone... My heart bled out last night. I flipped my tear-soaked pillow three times. I woke red-eyed and exhausted. Trudging through the day as if it didn't exist. How could I have been so blind to the truth that stood right in front of me for the past year. I should have seen this coming. This shouldn't be so hard. But it wasn't some high school crush. I had stronger feelings for you than anyone else. You were different. How could I have deceived myself into thinking that we would have worked. I know all the Christianese things that people will say to me if I talk about it, but sometimes I don't want to hear them. Sometimes I just want someone to say the way I'm feeling is alright without adding anything else. I want someone to really mean it when they say, "awe" or "I'm sorry". I don't even want to hear those. I feel like if I tell anyone, they'll just say, "Well maybe he wasn't the one. There will be someone else." I don't want someone else. And now I'm leaving. The hardest thing about coming back will be seeing you. I know the feelings will flood back into my temporarily, taped up heart. I know God can fix me. But I honestly want you to... I love God and I trust Him now, but can't He see how much I love you. You and I both know He can, but it feels like He can't.

It's like that stupid difference between knowing and understanding. I know God sees my love for you, but I don't understand why he doesn't help me the way I want. I know this really happened, but I don't understand why. I know a heart has to feel like this every once and a while, but I don't understand why or how. I miss you so much and I know you miss me, but I don't know how much. I should have seen that you only wanted me to come back for one reason, but I just hoped there was more to it. I'm sorry I was wrong. I'm sorry that I allowed myself to become so attached. I did this to myself. I deserve this. I just can't help but hope that it didn't happen. Won't someone wake me up from this awful nightmare?

I can't love you anymore. Not the same way at least. But I want to. I never want to let go. I know I am a stupid girl with stupid feelings and I'm being stupidly naive. I don't want to be like this. I want to lean against God and hear Him say it's okay, but to be honest I'm scared of what He'll say. I'm afraid He'll mock my emotions and turn His face in shame of my vulnerability. Please don't make me say goodbye for real.. I can't do it..